Mental Health – Page 15 – Schizanthus Nerd

Black Bird of the Gallows #2: Keeper of the Bees – Meg Kassel

I need all of the stars for this one but it feels more appropriate to say it like this: 💛🐝🖤🐝💛

I was initially denied early access to this book and I completely understood why. This is the type of book I’m supposed to want to avoid. The love between this girl and (sort of) boy is insta and as sweet as honey (sorry, I had to go there) so it makes perfect sense that a romantiphobe should steer clear. So why did I beg for it? Because I should have wanted to stay far, far away from its companion, Black Bird of the Gallows and I really enjoyed that, so I just knew this would be the book for me, despite everything that screamed otherwise.

What attracted me to Black Bird of the Gallows was intense insta cover love and I was quite shocked when I also loved the story. This time around, while another gorgeous cover drew me to it, my memory of being drawn into Angie and Reece’s story (and love) gave me the confidence that Keeper of the Bees was for me. However, I didn’t expect to love this one more!

Our main characters, Essie and Dresden, are both damaged, victims of cursed lives. People either don’t even notice them at all or steer clear of them. They’re desperately lonely outcasts. Essie experiences a reality that ‘normal’ people don’t and her hallucinations cause people to fear her. Dresden is a beekeeper, feeding off peoples’ fear and condemned to wear the features of the victims of his curse. Their instalove appears doomed from the get go and although this goes against my very being to say this, I was hoping their love would find a way from their introduction.

There’s something about the agony of the person they once were fighting against what their curses have transformed them into that I really connected to. Essie’s struggle to distinguish the boundaries between the reality she sees and the reality others see was heart-wrenching. The struggle of a beekeeper, being bound to an existence where over the course of centuries you’re witnessing the worst humanity has to offer with no hope in sight, no known end to your pain or isolation, broke me.

While the curses of the harbingers, beekeepers and their mythology are explored in both books, the focus is different in each book. In Black Bird of the Gallows one of the main characters is a harbinger of death, whereas in this book it’s a beekeeper. I always love learning the mythology in characters’ worlds and adore the mythology of this series. Once again Meg Kassel’s writing is gorgeous and intoxicating. While the world of Black Bird mesmerised me, Keeper of the Bees made me a believer and I need more!

I was delighted by Dresden’s unorthodox friendship with Michael, one of the harbingers, and I loved Stitches. Now I definitely need a companion book where a Strawman is the focus as I have to know more about these mysterious beings.

Essie’s aunt was my favourite entirely human character; her ability to see beneath the curse to the girl Essie truly was made me love her and want her in my life. I know what it’s like for people to see a label or what’s on the surface and to fear or resist getting to know what lies beneath so the insights into the complexities of people, the light and the dark, captivated me.

While this book could be characterised as a romance it’s so much more and it’s the so much more that had me hooked. There’s the exploration of mental illness, the murder mystery, the growing unease of an impending catastrophe, the impact of our past on our present and the underlying hope of overcoming that which seems impossible.

As this is a companion, not a sequel, you could read this book first but I’d highly recommend you read both because they’re just so good! Also, if you read Black Bird of the Gallows first you’ll be rewarded with a ‘where are they now?’ segment, a fleshing out of the mythology and an appreciation of just how remarkable Essie and Dresden’s love is, along with Dresden and Michael’s friendship, in this book.

Thank you so much to NetGalley and Entangled Teen, an imprint of Entangled Publishing, LLC, for the opportunity to read this book.

Once Upon a Blurb

Keeper of the Bees is a tale of two teens who are both beautiful and beastly, and whose pasts are entangled in surprising and heartbreaking ways.

Dresden is cursed. His chest houses a hive of bees that he can’t stop from stinging people with psychosis-inducing venom. His face is a shifting montage of all the people who have died because of those stings. And he has been this way for centuries – since he was eighteen and magic flowed through his homeland, corrupting its people.

He follows harbingers of death, so at least his curse only affects those about to die anyway. But when he arrives in a Midwest town marked for death, he encounters Essie, a seventeen-year-old girl who suffers from debilitating delusions and hallucinations. His bees want to sting her on sight. But Essie doesn’t see a monster when she looks at Dresden.

Essie is fascinated and delighted by his changing features. Risking his own life, he holds back his bees and spares her. What starts out as a simple act of mercy ends up unraveling Dresden’s solitary life and Essie’s tormented one. Their impossible romance might even be powerful enough to unravel a centuries-old curse.

2 September, 201821 December, 2024 by Schizanthus Nerd Categories: ReviewTags: 5 stars, Black Bird of the Gallows, Cover Lovin’, Entangled Publishing, Entangled Teen, Mental Health, NetGalley, Sexual Assault

Light Filters In: Poems – Caroline Kaufman

Illustrations – Yelena Bryksenkova

Caroline Kaufman is probably better known (so far) by her Instagram profile @poeticpoison. Published while still a teenager, this book is a mixture of dark and light, heartache and hope. Poetry can be very hit and miss for me and I found that to be the case with this collection as well. I connected with some of her words so deeply that I could have written them myself when I was Caroline’s age.

I’ve spent so much time trying to become who I should be that I lost myself along the way.

Others I struggled with but that’s probably more indicative of my stony cold heart than Caroline’s writing ability. When I read about relationships and heartache it’s akin to a vampire feeling the warmth of sunlight on their skin.

This book is divided into four sections: the darkness falls, the night persists, the dawn breaks, and the sun rises. What I loved above all else is the honesty of these poems.

sometimes I imagine my younger self and I worry she wouldn’t recognize me.

Once upon a nitpick: One of my pet peeves is sentences that don’t begin with a capital letter. It bugs me whenever I see it and for some reason that baffles me it seems to be a cool thing to do these days. Some poems in this book include my beloved capital letters; others don’t.

This collection reminded me of the tumultuous experience of adolescence, a place I don’t like to visit. There’s a rawness to the writing that I really appreciated although overall I don’t feel as though I’m the target audience. I probably would have been when I was a teenager but a lot of the writing felt very young (and rightly so as the author is only 18). I hope that Caroline continues to write from her heart as the authenticity of her voice has the potential to impact a lot of young lives.

Once Upon a Blurb

In Light Filters In, Caroline Kaufman – known as @poeticpoison – does what she does best: reflects our own experiences back at us and makes us feel less alone, one exquisite and insightful piece at a time. She writes about giving up too much of yourself to someone else, not fitting in, endlessly Googling “how to be happy,” and ultimately figuring out who you are.

This hardcover collection features completely new material plus some fan favourites from Caroline’s account. Filled with haunting, spare pieces of original art, Light Filters In will thrill existing fans and newcomers alike.

it’s okay if some things

are always out of reach.

if you could carry all the stars

in the palm of your hand,

they wouldn’t be

half as breathtaking

6 August, 201821 December, 2024 by Schizanthus Nerd Categories: ReviewTags: 3.5 stars, HarperCollins, Mental Health, Poetry, Sexual Assault

Not That Bad: Dispatches from Rape Culture – Roxane Gay (editor)

I went on a bit of a journey through Opposite Land while reading this book. I love that this book exists. I hate that it has to.

The title was what initially grabbed my attention: Not That Bad. How many times have I and countless others said that?! Was it because it wasn’t that bad? No. It was that bad but we still live in a world that, on the whole, doesn’t want to know about sexual assault.

It doesn’t quite feel right to say I have a favourite anything where rape culture is concerned so instead I’ll say that the best definition of rape culture I’ve read to date is by Clem Ford:

“A state of existence in which the impact and reality of sexual violence is minimised while the perpetrators of it are supported by a complex system built on flawed human beliefs, mythologies about gender, and good old fashioned misogyny.”

Usually I’d give each contributor in a book of essays an individual star rating and comment on their writing style or whether I connected with their story or not, but I won’t be doing that here. I’m so proud of everyone that contributed to this book and while some essays impacted me more than others, I’m not comfortable critiquing anyone’s experience of rape culture.

Instead I’ll be sharing a quote from each contributor. I highlighted so much of this book and found it difficult in most cases to choose just one for this review. In the end I decided to share the one that stood out the most when I reread my highlighted passages. As such, both the book and my review need to come with a trigger warning. Stop reading now if you need to. 💜

Introduction – Roxane Gay

It was comforting, perhaps, to tell myself that what I went through “wasn’t that bad.” Allowing myself to believe that being gang-raped wasn’t “that bad” allowed me to break down my trauma into something more manageable, into something I could carry with me instead of allowing the magnitude of it to destroy me.
But, in the long run, diminishing my experience hurt me far more than it helped.

Fragments – Aubrey Hirsch

If rape culture had a national sport, it would be … well … something with balls, for sure.

Slaughterhouse Island – Jill Christman

If nothing changes – and in thirty years, not nearly enough has changed – next year, there will be one hundred thousand more assaults on our campuses.
One is too many. One hundred thousand.

& the Truth Is, I Have No Story – Claire Schwartz

This is not about that. This is about everything after.
This is about how, all of a sudden, there was only one after.

The Luckiest MILF in Brooklyn – Lynn Melnick

I know that saying please stop made it no more likely that these things would stop.

Spectator: My Family, My Rapist, and Mourning Online – Brandon Taylor

The only way through all of it was to promise that I would remember it and that at some point, I would make it known what happened there.
I am a hard person because hardness is what comes from a life lived underground.

The Sun – Emma Smith-Stevens

So many times my mind left my body only to return to find it soiled

Sixty-Three Days – AJ McKenna

I resent having to face up to it. I resent having to be a survivor.
“Survivor” is the “special needs” of victimhood. If I say I have survived, I’m fooling nobody. I didn’t.

Only the Lonely – Lisa Mecham

And my hands, my hands. I wrapped them around my shins and pulled in tight and cried and thought about how when you’re hurt, way before you say it, you have to feel it.

What I Told Myself – Vanessa Mártir

I looked over at my daughter, who had moved on to the swings, and that’s when it hit me: I’d been blaming myself for thirty years for what happened to me when I was six.

Stasis – Ally Sheedy

I didn’t go on auditions for films that I felt glorified sex work, that depicted women being sexually abused in a gratuitous way, or that required me to leave my sense of self on the doorstep. (All of these films became huge hits.)

The Ways We Are Taught to Be a Girl – xTx

We learn not to tell everything. We know telling everything will make them see the bad in us. How it is our fault. How we contributed. We fear repercussions, albeit lighter than the ones we will administer to ourselves; slut, bad, ugly, weak, whore, trash, shame, hate. We tell just enough, if we tell at all.

Floccinaucinihilipilification – So Mayer

It’s a conundrum: if you survive, then it – that, the trauma – can’t have been that bad. Being dead is the only way to prove it was. It really was bad. It was terrible. It was so awful there was no way I could survive.
What did this child die of? Shame, mainly. And narrative necessity.
If you survive, you have to prove it was that bad; or else, they think you are.
Surviving is some kind of sin, like floating up off the dunking stool like a witch. You have to be permanently écorchée, heart-on-sleeve, offering up organs and body parts like a medieval saint.

The Life Ruiner – Nora Salem

Perhaps the most horrifying thing about nonconsensual sex is that, in an instant, it erases you. Your own desires, your safety and well-being, your ownership of the body that may very well have been the only thing you ever felt sure you owned – all of it becomes irrelevant, even nonexistent.

All the Angry Women – Lyz Lenz

Anger is the privilege of the truly broken, and yet, I’ve never met a woman who was broken enough that she allowed herself to be angry.

Good Girls – Amy Jo Burns

Much of the furor spread not because a crime occurred, but because these girls had the nerve to say that it had.
A good girl is a quick study, and this is what you, always a good girl, learned: It doesn’t matter how good you are, because a man will always be better.

Utmost Resistance: Law and the Queer Woman or How I Sat in a Classroom and Listened to My Male Classmates Debate How to Define Force and Consent – V.L. Seek

When your truth is so inherently questioned, it is easier to say nothing than anything at all.

Bodies Against Borders – Michelle Chen

The flip side of treating “victims” or “survivors” as subjects of a narrative is that the process of intellectualizing the issue also requires neatly transmuting the subject into the object. And objectifying people who have lived through sexual violence is not a good place to begin, or end, any story – not our own, and not theirs.

Wiping the Stain Clean – Gabrielle Union

Rape is a wound that throbs long after it heals. And for some of us the throbbing gets too loud. Post-traumatic stress syndrome is very real and chips away at the soul and sanity of so many of us who have survived sexual violence.

What We Didn’t Say – Liz Rosema

I don’t even remember his name but I remember what he said – the corner of that page is folded in my memory. I turn right to it.

I Said Yes – Anthony Frame

“It’s your eyes. They’re so … Was that the year it happened?”

Knowing Better – Samhita Mukhopadhyay

She had learned, somewhere in the interim, to do more than simply reveal what had happened to her; she had learned to tell the story of it so that it didn’t become her only story.

Not That Loud: Quiet Encounters with Rape Culture – Miriam Zoila Pérez

Sexual assault is no longer an undercurrent in political life: it shouts at us from news headlines, colors the electoral debates, shapes rally slogans and protest chants. But something doesn’t have to be loud to be deafening, to suck up all the oxygen in the room, to shroud the windows and dim the lights.

Why I Stopped – Zoë Medeiros

Sometimes I see ghosts. The worst ghosts for me are not usually the flashbacks, although those can be pretty bad, but the ones who show me what I might have been if it never happened. It’s like suddenly feeling what it would be like to run on a leg that had never been broken, just for a second, and then it’s gone and the old bone-deep pain is with me again.

Picture Perfect – Sharisse Tracey

For once, I was glad I didn’t have a little sister.

To Get Out from Under It – Stacey May Fowles

What I need is what most women need when they talk about the sexual violence they have endured. I need someone to listen. I need someone to believe me.

Reaping What Rape Culture Sows: Live from the Killing Fields of Growing Up Female in America – Elisabeth Fairfield Stokes

the world, I had learned, was a place that didn’t condemn sexual violence; it accepted and excused it.

Invisible Light Waves – Meredith Talusan

I stayed to prove that he could not affect me

Getting Home – Nicole Boyce

There’s something so naive about insisting that daylight makes a difference. Why do I imagine that violence wears a wristwatch?

Why I Didn’t Say No – Elissa Bassist

Because when a woman challenges a man, then the facts are automatically in dispute, as is the speaker, and the speaker’s license to speak.

Early this week I had my latest experience with rape culture. At a time when I had already read about half of this book I found myself in a room with a man in a position of authority who, while telling me that it wasn’t a matter of whether he believed me or not, also told me numerous times that my story was “unbelievable”, along with an incredulous “How is that even possible?!”

Feeling disempowered by his lack of belief and judgement, and vulnerable after being given no choice over the location of our meeting, I found myself minimising my experience by telling him that the sexual assault I’d experienced in that building (a few offices to my right) wasn’t as bad as the sexual assault I’d experienced across the street from where we were meeting.

“Not as bad.” As soon as the words were out of my mouth the title of this book flashed in my mind and I internally chastised myself. While I couldn’t take back those words I made sure I wasn’t silent when this man went on to talk about the “gains” people achieve by making up false allegations against “poor” men. I (we) have a long way to go but I believe that by refusing to be silent about the “unbelievable” we (I) can be catalysts for change.

If you have read this review and have experienced any form of sexual assault please know that you are not alone and it was not your fault. I believe you. Your story matters. You matter!

If you need support or information you can contact:

RAINN (America) – http://www.rainn.org – chat online or call 800.656.HOPE
1800RESPECT (Australia) – http://www.1800respect.org.au – chat online or call 1800 737 732

You can also search for resources in over a hundred countries at:

HotPeachPages – http://www.hotpeachpages.net

Once Upon a Blurb

Cultural critic and bestselling author Roxane Gay has edited a collection of essays that explore what it means to live in a world where women are frequently belittled and harassed due to their gender, and offers a call to arms insisting that “not that bad” must no longer be good enough.

4 August, 201821 December, 2024 by Schizanthus Nerd Categories: ReviewTags: 5 stars, Allen & Unwin, Harper Perennial, HarperCollins, Mental Health, Sexual Assault

Small Things – Mel Tregonning

How to break my heart yet still give me hope 101

Step 1: Put this book in front of me.

Mel Tregonning’s artwork takes you inside the lonely world of anxiety and depression in such a beautiful but haunting way. The monsters that lurk and chip away at the main character piece by piece are perfect. Each monster is unique but clearly from the same monster gene pool. Once you’ve seen them you can identify them but would have trouble explaining them to someone who hasn’t seen them. Anxiety and depression feel like that. How can you truly explain to someone who hasn’t seen those monsters what they look like and how living with them impacts every part of you.

Step 2: Show me the book’s dedication.

This book is dedicated to Mel, the illustrator. How can that be?!

Step 3: Investigate further.

Upon investigating I came across this article and Mel’s website.

Step 4: Cry.

Step 5: Be grateful for the hope provided in this book, but maybe cry a bit more first.

At the heart of this book is a powerful message about early intervention. Support from people who care about you truly can make all the difference. There are ways to make the monsters retreat. You are not alone. Please know there is hope.

My heart breaks for Mel’s family. If she can have this much of an impact on me just because I ‘read’ her book I can’t even begin to imagine what her loss must be like for those who loved her in life. 💕

I ordered this from the library mostly because of the haunting cover illustration. I needed to know more. Now I do and while I don’t have as many tissues as I did before I started I’m so glad I found this book.

It’s part of the NSW Premier’s Reading Challenge (Challenge Level 5-6) and I’m so glad it’s there. Children (and adults) need the message of this book. It’s not one that I’d just hand a child and go on with my day though. This is a book that deserves to be discussed.

P.S. There are a list of the reading challenge books here if you’re interested. My library has heaps of them. I love my library!

Once Upon a Blurb

On the cusp of having everything slip from his grasp, a young boy has to find a way to rebuild his sense of self. An ordinary boy in an ordinary world. With no words, only illustrations, Small Things tells the story of a boy who feels alone with worries but who learns that help is always close by. An extraordinary story, told simply and with breathtaking beauty.

8 June, 201821 December, 2024 by Schizanthus Nerd Categories: ReviewTags: 5 stars, Allen & Unwin, Mental Health, Picture Book, Ugly Cry

The Loose Ends Became Knots: An Illness Narrative – Austin M. Hopkins

I’m not quite sure what to say about this book. I feel weird judging someone’s experiences so I won’t be doing that. Instead my rating and review will be based on the way the book made me feel. I’ve read a lot of books, including memoirs, with the experience of and recovery from sexual assault as an overriding theme but unfortunately this book wasn’t a good fit for me.

Bouncing between journal entries, poetry, stories told in third person where the author refers to himself as ‘he’ or ‘the boy’, letters from teachers and comments about the author from his friends, the reading experience felt disjointed to me. I had this strange sense of feeling guilty for reading the journal entries. The scattered input from teachers and friends had the feel of testimonials or letters of recommendation and seemed to come out of nowhere.

The graphic descriptions of sexual assaults and Grindr hookups were prevalent for a lot of the first half of the book. The Grindr hookups were ultimately explained as part of trauma induced sex addiction and while I understand trauma impacts I couldn’t stop myself from internally screaming for the author to please don’t go into the home of the stranger he just met. I’m not victim blaming here; I just wanted the author to know at the time that they deserved better.

I applaud the author’s transparency and expect his story will be helpful for men in the LGBTQIA community, particularly those who have been sexually assaulted by men. However, because so much of this book is highly triggering and the first half in particular feels like one traumatic experience after another without any respite or hope (that comes later), I worry that the people who would potentially benefit the most from this book may not make it past the flashbacks and descriptions of traumatic events.

Personally I felt so drained and depressed by the trauma of the first half (maybe even as much as the first 60% or so) that my brain wasn’t as receptive to the message of healing. Had there been some sort of integration of the traumatic and recovery sections this may have helped. I think ultimately the style of writing didn’t make me want to keep reading and the trauma content felt so constant that I struggled to finish it.

So far all of the reviews on Amazon have been 5 stars but the majority appear (I could be wrong) to be friends of the author and have mostly only reviewed one or two books. One reviewer in particular had the same first name as one of the friends quoted in the book which raised my suspicions, although I admit I could be wrong about that too.

I don’t want to turn you off reading this book but if you have experienced sexual assault, please hear me when I tell you that there’s a high likelihood this book will trigger you. Please be safe while reading it.

Thank you to NetGalley and BookBuzz.net for the opportunity to read this book. I’m sorry but after high hopes, this one just wasn’t for me.

Once Upon a Blurb

In his debut book, Austin tells his story of emerging into young adulthood while surviving sexual violence and living with mental illness. His story is narrated through journal entries, poetry, and short stories.

26 May, 201821 December, 2024 by Schizanthus Nerd Categories: ReviewTags: 2 stars, BookBuzz.net, Mental Health, NetGalley, Sexual Assault

A Beginner’s Guide to Being Mental: An A to Z From Anxiety to Zero F**ks Given – Natasha Devon

I think it goes without saying that a book about mental health is going to wind up with one of my famous (or is that infamous!) trigger warnings but as someone whose brain can get fairly trigger happy I didn’t have any problems while reading this one myself. However, having said that, I’m not you so please be aware and keep yourself safe if you are triggered while reading.

This is one of the best books about mental health that I’ve read, and I’ve read plenty. What sets it apart is its author, Natasha Devon, who I’ll admit I’d never heard of prior to reading this book but now feels like someone I could be friends with. Natasha is upfront about her own experiences, writes in a down to earth conversational tone and is somehow able to simplify and explain difficult topics without dumbing them down. Natasha’s aim is to present “a comprehensive yet easy-to-understand overview” and she nails it!

While I’ve been there done that on the mental health merry-go-round personally and even picked up my own psychology degree from a Cornflakes box along the way I gained new insights, knowledge and understanding while reading this book. I often find books explaining mental health to be quite dry and one of my main whinges at university was the uncanny ability of some authors to transform fascinating topics into insomnia cures. I enjoyed reading this book so much though that I wanted to start reading it again as soon as I finished it, partly because I like ‘listening’ to Natasha talk about mental health and partly because I wanted to revisit all of my aha! moments.

I particularly admired Natasha’s ability to weave her own experiences and those of people she’s met along the way with facts (including references to make people like me happy) and insights gained through her work advocating for young people. It’s a balancing act that can result in some spectacular falls when authors incorporate their personal experiences in a book about mental health. Too often I’ve read books where it becomes either a dramatic sob story that takes your attention away from the helpful information that’s hidden somewhere amongst the tissues or a holier than thou ‘I have all the answers and although I’m better than you, I will impart some of my wisdom to you. Wow, don’t you resemble an ant as I look down my nose at you from the heights of my ivory tower’ attitude. Natasha did not fall off the tightrope once.

She was able to give enough information to let you know that she gets it, show empathy so you know that not only does she get it but she also gives a damn and does this amazing thing where she can talk to you about topics that are beyond difficult to live with but she leaves you with a feeling of hope. She speaks to, not at or down to, the reader and while she is direct and leaves no room for questions marks over her point of view (I intend those as compliments, not criticisms), she’s also sensitive, empathetic and funny. She comes across as someone that I would have been able to confide in as a young person and as an old(er) person I feel like she’s someone I’d want to chat with over a cuppa.

Oh, and before you get your politically correct knickers in a twist about the book’s title you should probably know that Natasha does explain the ‘mental’ thing but better than I could so here it is in her words …

“The most important thing to acknowledge before we begin is this: I am mental. I am mental according to the most common understanding of the term, in that I have a mental illness. I am also mental in the sense that I am an intellectual and emotional being, in possession of a brain. To have a mind is to be ‘mental’. And that, reader, means that you are mental, too.”

You should probably also know that the subjects aren’t always found under the letter of the alphabet that you’d expect. For example, self-harm lives in the J chapter, as in Just Attention Seeking, but trust me, your pitchforks are not required. This makes complete sense when you read the chapter. Take it from someone who has self-harmed; if pitchforks were required here I’d be handing them out personally but Natasha deals with this topic with the same amount of sensitivity, insight and wisdom as she does with the rest of the alphabet.

I want to ask where Natasha was when I was in high school, knowing I would have benefited greatly from anything she had to say but as I’m close to her in age and across the world that’s kind of a moot point. However I am greatly encouraged that there are Natashas in the world speaking to, and on behalf of, young people about mental health.

I do have a few comments about my personal experience in Australia versus what’s described in this book about the UK. I was gobsmacked that patients only get an average of 6 minutes for a GP appointment. It made me feel so lucky that my GP has 15 minute appointments as standard and 30 minute ones available if you have a list of a bazillion things to discuss or one tricky topic. I also feel even more appreciative that I have two of the most wonderful GP’s on the planet who understand mental health conditions and who consistently go way above and beyond when it comes to looking out for my best interests.

I was absolutely appalled to read about the usual waiting times for people in the UK to be able to access mental health services. Again, my appreciation level for my equally above and beyond awesome psychologist who I may sometimes refer to as Sunshine [insert their first name here] has skyrocketed, even though I didn’t think that was possible.

Okay, so maybe this isn’t as much a traditional book review as it is me telling you the feeling I get from the author but I wonder in this instance if that’s just as important. You can say all of the right things but no one is going to want to listen to you if you’re obnoxious or you have the facts right but can’t back it up with experience or at least some compassion.

What was refreshing in Natasha’s approach was her humour. I find, probably like most people, that a good dose of humour can make even the most difficult topics easier to deal with and this book was no exception. I particularly loved the cute little illustrations by Ruby Elliott that accompanied some of the chapters and only wish there were more of them.

I am struggling to tell you who I’d recommend this book for because ‘everyone’ seems like a cop out so I’ll just tell you some groups of people that came to mind as I was reading: young people, parents, teachers, anyone with a mental illness, anyone supporting anyone with a mental illness, anyone who works in a professional capacity with young people and/or those with mental illnesses, anyone who wants to be a better friend, government and/or political types who make decisions about how money for mental health is allocated, anyone who has influence in any form of media, and anyone who wants to be a better person in general. So, yeah, everyone!

While the chapters can be read in any order I’d highly recommend you read it straight through first. I highlighted so many passages but I am having trouble picking out a favourite because they’re all so damn good. Instead I’ll tell you my favourite word of the book: cheesed-off-ness. I came across it a week ago and it is still making me smile each time I think of it. I’m also quite partial to any book that includes any of the following: shysters, wodge, almighty s**t-show, f**kwittery, bogus, skew-whiff, raison d’être.

Thank you so much to NetGalley and Bluebird, an imprint of Pan Macmillan, for the opportunity to discover this awesomeness. Natasha is definitely one of the good boxes. I know I’m going to get more out of it when the inevitable reread happens. I’m going to be recommending this book to my doctors and psychologist, along with random people who cross my path. I leave this book (temporarily – I know I’ll be back soon!) wanting to be a better person, advocate, listener and support person, and feeling hopeful and inspired.

Once Upon a Blurb

‘Am I normal?’

‘What’s an anxiety disorder?’

‘Does therapy work?’

These are just a few of the questions Natasha Devon is asked as she travels the UK campaigning for better mental health awareness and provision. Here, Natasha calls upon experts in the fields of psychology, neuroscience and anthropology to debunk and demystify the full spectrum of mental health. From A (Anxiety) to Z (Zero F**ks Given – or the art of having high self-esteem) via everything from body image and gender to differentiating ‘sadness’ from ‘depression’.

Statistically, one in three of us will experience symptoms of a mental illness during our lifetimes. Yet all of us have a brain, and so we ALL have mental health – regardless of age, sexuality, race or background. The past few years have seen an explosion in awareness, yet it seems there is still widespread confusion. A Beginner’s Guide to Being Mental is for anyone who wants to have this essential conversation, written as only Natasha – with her combination of expertise, personal experience and humour – knows how.

24 May, 201821 December, 2024 by Schizanthus Nerd Categories: ReviewTags: 5 stars, Bluebird, Mental Health, Pan Macmillan

Dr David Galbraith #2: When Evil Calls Your Name – John Nicholl

Isn’t it strange how our past shapes and torments us when we least expect it?

I’ve heard Dr. Phil say countless times that whatever story he’s focusing on is a cautionary tale. This story is definitely a cautionary tale. If you ever wondered how people wind up in abusive family relationships and how previously confident people transform into meek shadows of their former selves, you’ll gain insight by reading this book. If you weren’t already convinced how calculated and methodical perpetrators are in the execution of the physical and psychological beating down of their victims, here is a great example.

I spent so much time wondering why Cynthia Galbraith was in prison in the first place while reading When Evil Calls Your Name. Surely after the events described in White is the Coldest Colour Cynthia is due for some good fortune. I wondered about the competency of her legal team. The crime she committed seemed as though it should come under the banner of self defence or diminished responsibility.

The more I read though, the more I wondered about her complicity in the atrocities committed by her husband. Does being a victim excuse you from being responsible when you know or at least strongly suspect something heinous is happening in your home? If it’s hidden in plain sight does that give you permission to ignore and deny its presence? At what point does your inaction become criminal?

While not an easy read I found this book easier to digest than the details of Dr Galbraith’s crimes and thought processes of the first book in the series. You could read When Evil Calls Your Name without having already read White is the Coldest Colour but I’d personally recommend reading them in order to get the most out of them. I already had thoughts about Cynthia’s character going into this book and found it interesting to confirm some thoughts and discard others.

Transported from the prison of her home where we left her in White is the Coldest Colour to three years into her sixteen year sentence at White Haven Women’s Prison at the beginning of this book, we uncover the events that led her to White Haven by accessing her therapeutic journal and we also learn about her time behind bars. I appreciated that Cynthia’s story was not sugarcoated. I felt the claustrophobia of her cell and her continued torment as she relived the traumas she experienced through nightmares and recollections. There’s no magical transformation. Instead we see firsthand how the years of abuse continue to be caustic to Cynthia’s self esteem and identity.

I will quibble about the use of the word monster to describe Dr Galbraith and those of his ilk. While it’s certainly convenient and comfortable to label such depravity monstrous but I am not inclined to use that term myself as the label implies they are less than human. If we strip these people of their humanity are we then saying what they did was in their nature, they had no choice and are therefore not responsible for their actions?

Make no mistake; they are human, despite how much we’d prefer to dissociate from them. They are fallible and disgusting humans who make conscious decisions to enforce their will on others, but humans nonetheless. In a way I’m disappointed that the early life of Dr Galbraith has not been explored in the first two books in this series as I would be interested in knowing if there were experiences or behaviour in his childhood that signalled the way his life would unfold.

I don’t want to, and will never, understand why he does what he does other than the desire for power and control. I’m certainly not seeking to excuse anything he’s inflicted on any of his victims but I found it so interesting watching Cynthia’s story unfold that I wonder what I’d feel if I learned more about him.

The much needed update regarding the Mailer family from the first book was welcome but did come across as too simplistic and easy for my liking. The information about the Mailer’s and the final session with Cynthia’s prison counsellor seemed a tad rushed so I was thankful for the epilogue.

I found it interesting that in both books the children in the Galbraith family were largely unseen and silent. I could soliloquise about the silencing of children who grow up in violent homes but instead I’ll just say that, whether this was the author’s intention or not, I noticed and appreciated the authenticity this added to the family dynamics.

I don’t think this book could ever have been as gripping as the first in the series, with its police and child protection investigations and threat of imminent danger to the various victims. However the story this book told was captivating in its own right and I’m looking forward to reading the rest of John Nicholl’s books.

Thank you so much to NetGalley and Bloodhound Books for introducing me to this brilliant author.

Once Upon a Blurb

Even the darkest secrets can’t stay hidden forever …

When twenty-nine-year-old Cynthia Galbraith struggles to come to terms with her traumatic past and the realities of prison life, a prison counsellor persuades her to write a diary exploring the events that led to a life sentence for murder.

Although unconvinced at first, Cynthia finally decides she has all the time in the world and very little, if anything, to lose. As she begins writing she holds back nothing: sharing the thoughts she hadn’t dare vocalise, the things that keep her awake at night and haunt her waking hours.

Will the truth finally be revealed?

8 May, 201821 December, 2024 by Schizanthus Nerd Categories: ReviewTags: 4.5 stars, Bloodhound Books, Domestic and Family Violence, Dr David Galbraith, Mental Health, NetGalley, Sexual Assault

Starfish – Akemi Dawn Bowman

I live my life in the small place between “uncomfortable” and “awkward.”

I don’t know how to even begin to explain how I feel about Starfish so I’ll start with something easy. That cover!!! Sarah Creech has created one of the most beautiful covers I’ve ever seen! This artist must be an author’s dream come true. The colours, the layout, the design, the awesomeness of it all combined!

I need this cover image available as a print so I can frame it and admire it every day. I also need Sarah commissioned to create artwork of all of the paintings and drawings described in the book because I really, really need a special limited edition illustrated version of Starfish signed by the author and illustrator in my life. Me, me, me, me, me! Argh! I’m a starfish! Moving on …

I don’t know that I’ve ever experienced such a deep bookish connection with a main character before. I felt my name could have been transposed with Kiko’s so many times and yet there were parts of her story that I’ll never understand.

Kiko’s experience of social anxiety is the most honest and realistic portrayal I have ever come across. I would have been right with her attempting to melt into the wall at a party if I’d had the courage to go in the first place. I was impressed by her ability to push through her fear to be in the vicinity of more than one other person at a time sometimes, even though her successes in that area seemed to be fuelled mostly by her need for approval.

People terrify me. I’d probably spend the whole night wishing I had the superpower to make myself invisible. I don’t know how to be any other way.

Her constant feeling of being out of place, weird and different to everyone else hit home for me, as did her pathological need to be ‘enough’ for a person whose expectations are both unrealistic and impossible to meet. I loved her introspection and keen insights into the actions of those around her and her own feelings and behaviour.

I loved that Kiko has a Japanese father and caucasian mother. I desperately wanted her to learn more about her Japanese heritage. I wished that I had siblings but didn’t envy their relationship. I wanted to be friends with Kiko and Emery. I loved Jamie so much that even though I’m anti-romance I wanted Kiko and Jamie to become a couple.

I’ve always felt like I desperately needed to say my feelings out loud – to form the words and get them out of me, because they’ve always felt like dark clouds in my head that contaminate everything around them.

The long term effects of childhood sexual abuse were handled sensitively. The lingering self doubt, guilt and shame were realistic, as were the character’s experiences and internal dialogue as a result of way this trauma was handled by the people they should have been able to trust to protect them.

The physical abandonment by one parent and the emotional abandonment by the other had me getting pretty imaginative with the voodoo doll depiction in my head of Kiko’s mother. Kiko’s fear of abandonment, rejection and of never being enough were all logical but heartbreaking responses to really dysfunctional family dynamics.

I draw a dragon breaking free from its grave and finally seeing what its wings and fire are for.

Kiko finds her voice through her art and the more she explored her feelings through painting and drawing the more I wished I had the ability to translate images in my head to paper and canvas in that way. I’m one of those people who can sort of draw a fairly decent stick figure sometimes as long as they’re just standing there. I loved the use of art as therapy although I did think that the ending was a bit too easy.

I know there were struggles, anguish and angst along the way but Kiko must be made of stronger stuff than I am. If Kiko’s story was my story I am pretty certain there’d be an epilogue that mentioned how well my therapy was going. There was a point in the book where I had to stop reading for a while because some of the responses Kiko experienced were hitting a bit too close to home. If I had to nitpick I’d point out that while Kiko became all about being her own person and making her life her own, she’s not the one who submits the application that gets her on the life path of her dreams.

I felt for sure that Kiko would remain my favourite character but then I met Hiroshi. My candidate for both Father of the Year and Best Mentor Ever, Hiroshi is wise, sensitive, accepting, vulnerable, loving and adorable! I wanted to hug him, take art classes from him and simply sit and listen to him talk about his life and the world for the rest of my life. Hiroshi is one of those people that you meet and hope they’ll adopt you into their family. Everything about him reminded me that family is not defined by blood.

“I want you to tell me a story. Tell me anger. Tell me sorrow. Tell me happiness. Just tell me something that matters to you.”

Akemi Dawn Bowman’s writing is so beautiful and the translation of Kiko’s feelings to artwork was poetic and stunning. I felt a deep connection with so many characters and didn’t want to finish reading because I wanted to continue to hang out with Kiko and Hiroshi. I saw people in my own life in some of the characters I didn’t connect with and gained some insights into their toxicity, which became some of my favourite lightbulb moments in the book. My favourite passage was the story of the sun goddess, Amaterasu.

Thank you so much to NetGalley and Ink Road, an imprint of Black & White Publishing, for the opportunity to read this incredible debut novel. I cannot wait for this author’s next book to be released.

Once Upon a Blurb

A half-Japanese teen grapples with social anxiety and her narcissist mother in the wake of a crushing rejection from art school in this debut novel.

Kiko Himura has always had a hard time saying exactly what she’s thinking. With a mother who makes her feel unremarkable and a half-Japanese heritage she doesn’t quite understand, Kiko prefers to keep her head down, certain that once she makes it into her dream art school, Prism, her real life will begin.

But then Kiko doesn’t get into Prism, at the same time her abusive uncle moves back in with her family. So when she receives an invitation from her childhood friend to leave her small town and tour art schools on the west coast, Kiko jumps at the opportunity in spite of the anxieties and fears that attempt to hold her back. And now that she is finally free to be her own person outside the constricting walls of her home life, Kiko learns life-changing truths about herself, her past, and how to be brave.

From debut author Akemi Dawn Bowman comes a luminous, heartbreaking story of identity, family, and the beauty that emerges when we embrace our true selves.

10 April, 201821 December, 2024 by Schizanthus Nerd Categories: ReviewTags: 5 stars, Black & White Publishing, Cover Lovin’, Ink Road, Mental Health, NetGalley, Sexual Assault

I Have Lost My Way – Gayle Forman

I Have Lost My Way is one of those books you need to savour. At the beginning of this book I didn’t know any of the characters, just as Freya, Nathaniel and Harun didn’t know one another. Yet as their stories unfolded I saw myself in each of them and began to feel like one of their people. I don’t think it matters with this book if you can relate personally to any of the character’s specific circumstances and why they find their lives colliding that day.

What matters is that all three have lost their way. I want to tell you all about their individual stories but it’s best you gradually get to know each character as you read. Told from all three perspectives, this is a story of love, friendship and discovering who you really are.

They each feel invisible in their own way. They all feel alone in their lives, whether they’re surrounded by adoring fans, a large family or no one at all. Their stories shine a light on the lengths we can go to in order to try to fit into the mould that others have created for us when we know deep down our shape looks nothing like that of the mould. Freya, Nathaniel and Harun share one fear: ‘if people knew the truth about me I would truly be alone’ so they hide parts of themselves from the world. I don’t know about you but this aching loneliness resonated with me.

I’m sure they and I aren’t the only ones who have ever felt this way, and that’s one of the strengths of a Gayle Forman novel. You feel. You feel for her characters and ultimately your glance turns inward and you examine yourself. There’s a feeling of inclusion in Gayle’s novels and as her characters slowly let others in and in doing so expand their lives, you feel a corresponding expansion of your own. You may begin reading with little or no understanding of where a specific character is coming from, and you may even find yourself judging them preemptively, yet as they bare their soul your heart opens.

There are some things I’ve noticed in all of Gayle’s novels. Regardless of the overall theme I get sucked into the story almost immediately, generally by the end of the first page. There’s at once a simplicity and complexity to her writing; easy to read yet with a depth you fall into without realising. I fall in love with her characters, idiosyncrasies and all, and find myself thinking about them long after I finish reading their stories. They have the ability to change me from the inside out.

Favourite Passage (of many!):

“To be the holder of other people’s loss is to be the keeper of their love. To share your loss with people is another way of giving your love.”

Best Description of Books Ever: “little empathy-delivery devices”. 💕

Thank you so much to NetGalley and Simon & Schuster (Australia) for reminding me why I love everything Gayle writes and reigniting the need to devour her entire back catalogue while I wait for her next empathy-delivery device to imprint itself on my heart.

Once Upon a Blurb

A powerful display of empathy and friendship from the #1 New York Times Bestselling author of If I Stay.

Around the time that Freya loses her voice while recording her debut album, Harun is making plans to run away from home to find the boy that he loves, and Nathaniel is arriving in New York City after a family tragedy leaves him isolated on the outskirts of Washington state. After the three of them collide in Central Park, they slowly reveal the parts of their past that they haven’t been able to confront, and together, they find their way back to who they’re supposed to be.

Told over the course of a single day from three different perspectives, Gayle Forman’s newest novel about the power of friendship and being true to who you are is filled with the elegant prose that her fans have come to know and love.

16 March, 201821 December, 2024 by Schizanthus Nerd Categories: ReviewTags: 5 stars, Mental Health, NetGalley, Simon & Schuster

Written on the Body – Lexie Bean (editor)

You know those books that leave you without words? I don’t, which is why this review has been so hard to write. I’m one of those people that has so many opinions that I’ve got opinions about my own opinions. Seriously!

I finished reading Written on the Body: Letters from Trans and Non-Binary Survivors of Sexual Assault and Domestic Violence almost two weeks ago and the stories have been resonating within me ever since. I started this book thinking about my own experiences with sexual assault and domestic violence.

I wondered if I would have the courage to write a letter to one of my body parts. What body part would I choose? What would I want or need to say to it? Would I have the courage to write the letter anywhere but in my mind where no one could accidentally stumble across it? If I did manage to write that letter who would I trust to show it to? Regardless of your history I’d encourage you to think about those questions for yourself. It’s really quite a daunting prospect, isn’t it?

I thought about experiences shared with other sexual assault and domestic violence survivors over the years and how we’ve connected over shared thoughts and feelings, regardless of the legal terminology of what was perpetrated against us. The survivors I’ve had the opportunity to share with so far have been cis women and men, and they’re some of the bravest people I know.

I wondered if I could ever claim to understand what a trans or non-binary sexual assault or domestic violence survivor has experienced. While I’m fairly confident there’d be aspects of their story that I could relate to based on my own experiences, as a cis woman I can’t and won’t claim to understand what it’s like to be trans or non-binary. To be trans or non-binary in today’s society and then compound that with (in so many survivors) countless experiences of abuse by multiple perpetrators? I can’t even begin to imagine.

We need books like this one to open our eyes to the pain of those who’ve experienced the unthinkable and the incredible ability people have to overcome what was intended to destroy. While you can never really walk in someone else’s shoes, by reading this book you have the honour of being granted permission to truly see aspects of people that are usually hidden by façades.

You’ll likely feel practically everything in your emotional range while reading and due to the content I’d advise against reading it all at once. Different writing styles and content provide varied reading experiences throughout the book. Some letters were poetic. Others were visceral. There’s so much heartbreaking trauma content, yet there’s also so much strength and hope.

While considering the courage of the people who have contributed to this book, a quote from Brené Brown’s I Thought It Was Just Me came to mind. Brené explains eloquently what I cannot:

”Courage is a heart word. The root of the word courage is cor – the Latin word for heart. In one of its earliest forms, the word courage meant “To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.” Over time, this definition has changed, and today, we typically associate courage with heroic and brave deeds. But in my opinion, this definition fails to recognize the inner strength and level of commitment required for us to actually speak honestly and openly about who we are and about our experiences – good and bad.”

To the survivors who have contributed to this book, there are so many things I want to say to you, amongst which are … I hear you. I believe you. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am in awe of your courage. You are extraordinary!

If I could choose just one really powerful quote from this book:

“What they didn’t know is that I’m trying to heal from what happened to me; I’m not trying to heal from who I am.”
Lexie Bean

How do you rate a book like this? I don’t think you can rate someone’s experience so instead I’m rating the courage, the heart, of the people who have not only looked within themselves to come up with words that reflect their experience but have also had the bravery to shine a light on them. To me that deserves nothing less than ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️.

Thank you so much to NetGalley and Jessica Kingsley Publishers for the opportunity to read this book. I feel honoured to have read it.

Once Upon a Blurb

Written by and for trans and non-binary survivors of domestic violence and sexual assault, Written on the Body offers support, guidance and hope for those who struggle to find safety at home, in the body, and other unwelcoming places.

This collection of letters written to body parts weaves together narratives of gender, identity, and abuse. It is the coming together of those who have been fragmented and often met with disbelief. The book holds the concerns and truths that many trans people share while offering space for dialogue and reclamation.

Written with intelligence and intimacy, this book is for those who have found power in re-shaping their bodies, families and lives.

12 March, 201821 December, 2024 by Schizanthus Nerd Categories: ReviewTags: 5 stars, Jessica Kingsley Publishers, Mental Health, NetGalley, Sexual Assault